My celebrity tat rant

I’ve just heard that Rihanna is launching her own perfume.

*Sigh*

I wish deluded celebrities would stop peddling us their tat. Really, I do. For if ever there was a word for it, it is that: tat. No, I’m not interested in using my hard-earned money to buy Jordan’s Stunning perfume, which, like every other dubious celebrity-branded olfactory tat, probably smells like bloody teen spirit. I wish Coty would do the world a favour and STOP making olfactory TAT for every double D-breasted and listed ‘celebrity’. Zounds, they’re supposed to be discerning perfumers, haven’t they got any shame?

And while we’re at it, can someone give these so-called celebrities a revelation and stop them from launching their pet clothing lines. Seriously, we’re not interested. We would rather go out and spend our hard-earned cash on real designers, like the skivvies who design for Primark and Matalan, for if ever there were unsung heroes, it is them. What’s more, they design for normal people, and do not insult our intelligence by staging catwalk shows with imported ice as set pieces, to ‘raise awareness of climate change.’ Pah!

If you are a ‘listed celebrity’ - and trust me, it doesn’t matter how far down the alphabet you are in terms of celeb cred - the next time someone comes up to you and tells you about the world outside Mahiki, and how the civilians ‘out there’ can’t wait for you to inflict your tat on them, stop and think. Because one day, you will wake up to your worst nightmare: your home, filled, top to bottom, with your tat, by traumatised members of the public who decided to take the law into their own hands.

You have been warned.